Partly in honor of Katharine Hepburn's birthday (she would've been 103 *sob*), and partly as a contribution to Chuck Norris Ate My Baby's Chuckathon. let's look at the stats.
Chuck Norris:
Walker, Texas Ranger
The Way of the Dragon
Firewalker
Missing in Action
Breaker! Breaker!
Good Guys Wear Black
A Force of One
The Octagon
An Eye for an Eye
Silent Rage
Forced Vengeance
Lone Wolf McQuenn
Katharine Hepburn:
Sylvia Scarlett
Adam's Rib
Holiday
Woman of the Year
The African Queen
The Rainmaker
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Bringing Up Baby
Mary of Scotland
Morning Glory
State of the Union
Round 1: Pretty(ness)
Chuck Norris:
Walker, Texas Ranger
The Way of the Dragon
Firewalker
Missing in Action
Breaker! Breaker!
Good Guys Wear Black
A Force of One
The Octagon
An Eye for an Eye
Silent Rage
Forced Vengeance
Lone Wolf McQuenn
Katharine Hepburn:
Sylvia Scarlett
Adam's Rib
Holiday
Woman of the Year
The African Queen
The Rainmaker
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Bringing Up Baby
Mary of Scotland
Morning Glory
State of the Union
Round 1: Pretty(ness)
Chuck:
On the left, we got Chuck. A man's man, he's got chest hair, he's got muscles, he's got sweaty muscles, and he's got machismo. But...oh, no! Beard! Going to lose serious points with the judges for that one.
Katharine:
On the right, we got Katharine. A graceful beauty, yet not afraid to wear the pants. The hair, the cheekbones, the classiness! But, damn, she's dearly departed, I'm afraid. That will not fare well with the judges.Me: Whaddya think, Tom? (Tom is my imaginary co-announcer)
Tom: Wakka wakka. (who's also Pacman)
Me: I concur. I think we all know who's got this round made.
Winna: Katharine Hepburn
Round 2: Kick-ass(edness)
Katharine:
A raging feminist's icon, she's spanned generations as a role model to young girls, actors, and humanity in general. She's taken on Cary Grant, Spencer Tracy, and Humphrey Bogart, coming out on top each time. Truly, she's a hero to us all.
Me: Right on, sister. Now, let's go on over to Chuck's court--
Chuck:
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris".
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
"Icy-Hot" is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team"… not even close.
Me: That's...that's very impressive. It's gonna be a close one. Whaddya think, Tom?
Tom: *eats ghosts*
Me: Right you are, Tom. Now, let's take a look at the judge's corner.
Tom: *run, ghosts, run!*
Winna: Chuck Norris
Round 3: Awesomeness
Me: In the Norris corner...it appears the pit crew's laptop has run out of batteries. No more Chuck Norris facts for them.
Tom: Wakka.
Me: Oh, wait! Recovering, they're presenting a video!
Tom: Wakka.
Me: Me too, Tom. Me too.
Chuck:
Me: Damn! That's gonna be a tough one to follow up, huh, Tom?
Tom: *damn*
Me: I know! Alright then, over at Katharine's corner...
Katharine:
Me: A trailer for Adam's Rib!
Tom: Wakka.
Me: Right-O, Tom. She's going to have to do better than that--
Katharine:
Me: Oh.
Tom: *go Hepburn*
Me: I'm afraid.
Tom *quiverwakka*
Me: Over at the judge's table...
Winna: TIE
Me: Looks like an indecision, Tom. You know what that means!
Tom: *he doesn't*
Me: A real Battle Royal!
Tom: *woo*
Me: Next week!
Tom: *...*
Me: That's right, ladies and gentlemen! A tie means, next Wednesday, same time, same place, Katharine Hepburn and Chuck Norris will face off! Oh my god!
Tom: *crazy awesome*
Me: Until then, gentle viewers, head on over to the poll on the sidebar and vote for who you think should win this shit. Any questions, concerns, comments, or recommended battle moves, take it to the comments, or else email I, your gracious host, at WiiThePeopleof (at) hotmail (dot) com. See you at the finals, my darlings!
Tom: Wakka wakka!
Ghosts: *dying screams*
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